“Don’t Ask For Stuff” and Other Ways We’re Hindering Our Children’s Future
What if we challenge ourselves as parents and tell our children to ask for more.
Let’s set the scene: My son just turned 7 recently (”Siiiix… Sevveennnn.. was quoted constantly). The plan had been to take my children “back home” to northern Michigan where I was born and raised. Long story short, plans fell through. I felt guilty about not being able to go, which if I’m being honest.. is a whole blog post in and of itself. Anyway, because of this I dropped a pretty penny on him to get him an axolotl that he had asked for. His grandparents on both sides got him gifts. His sisters got him gifts. Heck, even my oldest daughter’s boyfriend got him a gift. He was doing quite well the day of his birthday surrounded by friends and family that he loved dearly.
The day after his birthday, a friend offered to take him and his younger sister out to grocery shop while I got some work done at home. He had also gotten my son a present, and definitely spoiled him. Here’s where I think I messed up as a parent. As they were walking out the door, I said quite sternly, “Don’t ask for stuff! Don’t ask for anything while you’re out! You have enough gifts and presents at home.”
Hear me out… I don’t think, just by itself, this was necessarily the wrong thing to say. To illustrate this and be able to paint the whole picture.. I’m going to take a side bar here and chat about a thought I had while waking up and getting ready for my day.
I have been trying to get a promotion at work - who hasn’t right? This made me think about all the times I have pushed for it, and asked about when it would be, and proved to the higher powers above that I deserved this promotion damnit! .. How I had “asked for stuff”. Then I thought about all my coworkers around me who had also definitely deserved promotions. I thought about how they were scared or uncomfortable with the thought of having to “ask for stuff” from the company. In the past, I always wondered…
“Why?”
Why are they feeling uncomfortable asking for what they’re worth from a company who makes more than enough to compensate you fairly for their work. I am not a shy person when it comes to doing my work, being proud of it, and wanting to be fairly compensated for my time and energy. Why was this so prevalent that we, as a society, find it awkward or uncomfortable to “ask for stuff”.
And that’s where we come back to my children asking for stuff while they were out shopping. How many times have I shamed them, snapped at them, or outright gotten extremely frustrated because they wouldn’t stop wanting something they didn’t have? What sort of feelings had I pushed onto their little minds as they mentally reached for a “want to have”?
Shame and guilt are big defining factors in controlling people as they become adults. Culture and how we are raised is why people don’t discuss their salaries amongst each other, when really we should be. Shame and wanting to be humble, wanting to be okay with what we have is the reason we do not ask for promotions; The reason we do not reach for more.. Now, I can’t say that in every case this is because we all had parents who told us not to “ask for stuff” while out shopping. I can say that, for me, my own shame or guilt has made me second guess myself.
This is a complex thought and idea. How do we be good parents if we don’t discourage our children from always wanting more than they have? How do we teach them to be humble, yet also want to reach for things that they really want? In order to do this, I asked myself how a child behaves who had a healthy balance between loving what they have, and still being willing to step outside of their comfort zone and want more. In my mind, that child is the one who takes it upon himself to open a lawn-mowing business and work for that gap between what he wants vs. what he has. That child cleans their room on their own for chores, or helps out adults who are in need.
So how can I, as a parent, encourage this behavior? I need to start with myself.
First, caregivers must acknowledge that wanting more is okay. Wanting that toy at the store, or the newest trendy clothes, or even a new car.. That is okay. The want is what we should use to drive positive behavioral outcomes. The stronger the want, the more a child will be willing to exhibit positive behaviors to achieve.
I think it also has to be okay for our children to hear, “Not right now.” or “No.” I think the biggest factor here is.. creating a healthy and balanced environment where our children do work and receive rewards. With that “no” should come a proposition or avenue for the child to obtain what it is that they want. In short, “No, but if you clean your room I’ll buy you the Tic-Tacs.” This establishes a pattern for the future (which can save our sanity at the store). They know if they ask for something again, they will probably hear the same. It’s a no, but it’s not an impossible no.
What I really do not want to do any longer is shame them in any way. I want to encourage them to work for what they want, to want a reward, and to get there and be worthy of that reward. Because as they move into adulthood, they will be put into situations where they have to do some sort of job in order to make money. They will want that promotion at work. They will work hard. They will be good friends and coworkers.
They shouldn’t feel shame or guilt for reaching for more and “asking for stuff”.